The Joys of House Hunting

I'm in a perpetual state of motion, always looking for somewhere else to live. Always for the same reason. Living with filthy, filthy bastards. Currently holed up with three yokels from Cavan who have plumbed new depths in the 'wallowing in their own slovenliness' category of wrecking your housemate's head. Yes, I am a neurotic scoundrel obsessed with cleanliness. But over the years, I've found myself reaching compromises with others, only for them to break their side of the bargain.

So I'm on the move again, never tiring of the road. And in my quest for a new place to park my arse, I've picked up on a few universal truths. Here goes...

1. Easy going means lazy and untidy

2. House is owner-occupied means Welcome to Beslan, wipe your shoes when coming or going and hand me over your soul you worthless cu**t

3. All mod cons means a microwave that has never been cleaned and a small, incontinent terrier called Alan

4. On street parking means sell your car matey, you're fucked.

5. Close to town means Navan town.

And so on. Well it's back on to the harsh unforgiving streets for me. if anyone knows of anyone looking for a musical, mouthy, yet charmingly endearing 24yr old who likes dusting and tantric sex as a flatmate, please tell them that Royston is homeless. Give what you can